Unending Memories
by PettyRevolver
Summary: One-shot answer to a challenge on the kakairu community. Mpreg fic, angsty. More bitter, still a little sweet. Reviews welcome, flames not.


Author's notes: This was actually my very first naruto fanfic. It was an answer to a challenge from the kakairu livejournal community.

Challenge: Any sort of mpreg fic.. myes... and I want... some kissing... and one character has to have some sort of secret. (Not necessarily about he mpreg.) Aaaaand... a bittersweet ending. And I will be very sad if either Kakashi or Iruka EVER acts like a winpering schoolgirl.

"Iru-chan." It was the way he spoke his name that told him everything he needed to know. Kakashi didn't say sentences or make any sounds to indicate what he was thinking or feeling. You had to choose the right word and focus on it. How long he held it on his tongue or if he finished it too quickly. Whether it was louder or more pronounced than the other words. The way his voice dipped on the chan.

Kakashi was honestly worried about him.

He would be worried about himself, too. He had been vomiting every morning for two weeks and warding off any question Kakashi threw at him. He was obviously aware that more had happened on his simple mission to water country's borders. It had only been until recently that events had revealed Orochimaru had something to do with that 'more that happened'.

Since Iruka had returned, he'd not been as lively as he had been before. He was growing more ill as Kakashi's anxiety grew in response. Iruka was sitting on the edge of the bed, not looking or reaching out for him like he was apt to do when they fought. He just stayed there, separate from his lover. They did not live together, but Kakashi felt closer to him than he thought he should have. Iruka was his heel, the one thing he let be his weakness and let the rest of him survive.

Without him, Kakashi was a jounin, going through his life like any other. It was the things he did before, when he was motivated that had propelled him to his current heights. His urges to protect Iruka had spurned him on like once before. The old Kakashi vs. the new Kakashi were just not comparable.

"I'm sorry Kakashi." His response was crisp and light, not holding the weight the situation seemed to call for. Iruka had so far refused to tell the full story, or even large parts of it. He had relented, hiding a frown behind the perpetual mask of flesh he wore, Kakashi hiding his behind a literal one. They both knew that he would stare at Iruka for long minutes, measuring his emotions and his state. Since healing from the untold disaster, Iruke would wake up to Kakashi's one eye lazily staring at him. Little check ups at work and at home. Iruka enjoyed the attention, but it was his understanding of the end that was to come. "I didn't want you to find out from someone else."

"Iruka." This time with a slightly muffled sound. Iruka couldn't tell what it was he did that muffled his voice through his mask, but it was a definite signal he was upset. When you broke through Kakashi's shields, he was unusually vulnerable. With Iruka, Kakashi was desperate for love and acceptance, which Iruka frequently provided in abundance. Just his name. It was all that was necessary to tell him that he would be missed if he were gone.

"I just. I just didn't know how to tell you." Now he was upset with himself. He stood up from the bed and began pacing in front of it. It was hard fighting here, in someone else's apartment. The first time he had come to Kakashi's apartment, he had slept with the man. Every night after, even after they fought, they spent the night in his bed together. It was a place that reminded him of warm nights and comfortable mornings. It was a place he equated with relaxation. The tension was an unwelcome guest in what he thought of his own small world.

"Tell me what?" Kakashi was right behind him, kneeling on the bed. He wanted to hear anything Iruka said. A little mutter, a small whimper, anything. His single eye burned into him. Iruka could not bring himself to look into that eye. He worried that it would be misting over. He couldn't break down now. It was Kakashi who needed him now.  
Being the strong one was always more difficult. He took a deep breath. "About Orochimaru." 

The name made Kakashi flinch. Genius though he was, he was no match for one of the sannin. He didn't like admitting that there were people in the world he couldn't protect his most precious from. He would still do everything he could, even if it cost him his life. "Did he hurt you?" That menacing tone that really meant he was hurt. It wasn't accusing, it was threatening. It was what Kakashi would do, no matter what it took from him to make it happen. It was exactly as Iruka figured he would answer.

"Of course he hurt me, Kakashi! What else did you expect him to do?" The schoolteacher snapped over his shoulder. He knew he had run out of time to avoid explaining to Kakashi, but he didn't want to have to spell it all out for him.

"Iruka, please." Kakashi pleaded, throwing off his mask in an uncharacteristic plea to get Iruka to open up to him. He was desperate. Only another person could do this to Copy-Eye Kakashi. When they first got together, he had only taken his mask off once with the lights on and the windows not covered (and that had been only because Iruka threatened to leave him if he couldn't at least once). His naked face made his pain only too obvious. It hurt Iruka to know that he was about to make the look a permanent etching on his face. He imagined Kakashi wandering for days with his mask off, his face a haunting image of misery.

"Kakashi, I'm sorry, but..." Iruka's voice trailed off as he thought of a way to phrase what he was about to say. He needed somehow to let Kakashi know that he was so sorry to be leaving him so soon, but that there was little other choice. "Orochimaru is in the room with us." Iruka turned to face Kakashi, his face stony grim as he unconsciously put one hand to his stomach. Quickly, flashes of Iruka's sudden vomiting in the morning and odd cravings. The way he sometimes would cup his belly without thinking. How his abs had lost their definition.

Kakashi had thought he was eating in secret to comfort himself. He had heard of the jutsu before. It had been used by a nin before, but rebirthing oneself erased all that person's history. Orochimaru must have been forced into it.

But the donor had never been male before. Kakashi was dumbstruck and could only stare at Iruka's face, stunned. If there had been a camera in the room, some good money could have been had from those pictures. "B-but, that's impossible!" Kakashi sputtered shaking his head to rid himself of those ideas. Iruka must have been tricked, or worse, he was losing his mind because of some illness that Orochimaru had given him.

Iruka's answers dashed all of Kakashi's hopes. He was too aware and sad at the same time of what had happened and what it meant. "No Kakashi. You must already know what jutsu I'm talking about. There is no way to terminate without killing me, too." Kakashi still shook his head in denial. He was probably wondering if it was a nightmare. It didn't take much to guess that this was the worst thing Kakashi could think of to happen. Iruka wasn't egotistical, Kakashi just made it very simple to understand when you got close enough.

His voice was surpisingly clear. All nin had had some sort of training to deal with personal crisises like this. Kakashi's apparently had kicked on just enough to allow some rationality in. "Will you survive the pregnancy."

"Most likely not. There would be absolutely no chance of it if Tsunade-sama hadn't returned"  
"How long before you get really ill"  
"Probably only a couple of months"  
"Oh."

Guilt and shame settled like a cloud over the room. Each man felt a large weight drift onto his shoulders. It made Iruka feel like he could not move from the spot, like time itself would stop in the mire of all this grief. He closed his eyes to it and listened to the thundering of his blood through his hears. Like so many times before he wondered if some of that blood rushing through him had just come from the innocent child inside of him. Even if he died, he wanted to ensure that the child was taken care of. Inside of him was a nin of legendary skill waiting to be born. He could be pointed in any direction, bear any path, if he was kept safe from the negative influences that sought to pull him back to his old ways.

He nearly jumped when those familiar arms snaked around him. His eyes opened to a large streak of silver running across his vision. From the breath on his shoulder, he could tell that Kakashi had rested his head on Iruka's chest. The arms squeezed him tighter. "Ai shiteru, Iru-chan. I will stay with you until the end." It was the only thing either one of them could think to say.

Kakashi lifted his head to brush his lips against his love's. For Iruka, he feverishly hoped time would go on forever so they could stay exactly like this, desperate to fill in as much love possible in a short time. 

But for Kakashi, time already did go on forever. Because when he was like this, the universe stopped just for him. And maybe, if they kissed enough, if they loved enough and time kept stopping for them, he would get his fill. If Iruka passed on, he could have a dozen eternities worth of memories to feel. As long as he kept kissing him, things would get better and he could relive every moment for the rest of his life and still not have time for it all.

end.

Ending notes: I know some are squicked by mpreg and Orochimaru and etc etc. I don't like Oro either, but I feel in the context of the story as an answer to the challenge it works out. While the horror of what has happened to Iru-sensei tends to overshadow the rest, the real hope comes from the strong ties he has been able to form and maybe the promise of his strength living even past his death. Thanks for reading, xox 


End file.
